Working with teenagers is great. One day, we are discussing their struggles in class or playing time on their sports team. Other days it’s how their parents are mad at them for smoking weed, vaping, playing too much Fortnite, or not putting enough energy into school work. As parents, I’m sure being a little more like Buddha in how we communicate with our kids could have great payoffs.
The way we communicate with a 5-year-old is much different than that of a 12-year-old. While this may not be up for debate, many parents get the urge to “amp up” the pressure once high-school starts. In sessions, kids tell me their parents are constantly telling them, “this is when it really starts to count”, “you need to really buckle down on studying and apply yourself”, “colleges will see this”, and “you really need to set yourself apart from others”.
To simplify things, there are two types of pressure when it comes to kids. “Actual pressure” is expressed through more overt actions like telling your child that they need to get particular grades in school or telling them they need to participate in a certain activity even if they don’t enjoy it. “Perceived pressure” is when a kid sees their successful parent and feels the need follow in their footsteps, regardless of what you may be telling them.
Inherently, the pressure is neither good or bad, but how we communicate our messages can be the defining factors. There is a teaching in Buddhism known as, “The Four Elements of Right Speech”. Using them as a guideline to communicate with your teen or young adult can help you shift from a place of defensiveness and anger to a place of patience and understanding.
The Four Elements of Right Speech:
1. Tell the truth. Don’t lie or turn the truth upside down.
2. Don’t exaggerate.
3. Be consistent.
4. Use “smart” language.
Take two seconds and think about how your parents spoke to you when you were a teenager. What ways made you angry, sad, or happy? It is pretty crazy how quickly we forget this when communicating to your own child. “Smart” language functions through choosing the words and a tone that will help your kid stay open to discussion rather than being argumentative and going into shut down mode. “Smart” language means not using insulting, cruel, abusive, or condemning words when speaking with your kid.
Again, remind yourself that most (not all) of the issues you are dealing with as parents are situations that need to be managed and not problems that can be just solved. Choose your actual words wisely.
Remember:
Teens are typically self-critical with rampant negative self-talk. The communicate tips above will help prevent you, as a parent, from layering on more criticism and judgment which usually puts your kid in a state that is not efficient for any type of productivity. Keep in mind that you still model to your child how to handle emotions. Remember that the first to yell loses the fight and that these strategies are used to support your child in their own self-improvement.