Help, I’m A Reactive Parent

by | Jun 25, 2019 | Advice, Anxiety, Arguments, Behavior, Emotions, Expectations, Failure, parenting, parents, Uncategorized

The gymnastics of raising a child is one of the most memorable and rewarding experiences even when the role of being a parent challenges us to the core. Reactive Parenting is a direct response to those challenges. 

Parenting is unique as it tests your boundaries on a daily basis and those tests frequently evolve. As a kid develops from infancy through adolescence and early adulthood, they will provide a parent with plenty of opportunities to carve out their own style of handling all that is thrown at them.

The way that a parent communicates and interacts with their child can affect their overall functioning and development in a multitude of ways. While there are pros and cons to various existing parenting techniques, one of the most detrimental is reactive parenting. Keep in mind that parents exhibit a variety of parenting styles and this is not an “all or nothing” discussion. We are talking about when reactive parenting dominates the household, drives most of the interactions, and is (for whatever reason) the most frequent “go to” response. 

 

Reactive parenting is where a parent, acts on

their emotions when responding to a child’s

behavior. 

 

This often times results in interactions fueled by anger, aggression, irritation, and hostility. Some examples of reactive parenting include using the phrases, “Stop” or “Right. We will not be going to/doing that” or constantly using commanding language like “Do/don’t do that”. These types of interactions will find their way into day to day life with a child and in some cases are necessary.

As someone who was born in 1985, I am very aware of the “snowflake” argument. Some parents attempt to raise their kids without reprimanding them, avoiding the use of words such as “no” or “bad (girl/boy)”. While the solution in many minds is likely quite simple, the problems are typically a little more complex. Parents verbalizing criticisms will not disappear any time soon and this is not inherently the problem. Projecting you’re own anger, impatience, and frustrations onto a child is an issues that falls in-line with reactive parenting and will usually come with direct side effects. So, what are some of the reasons for why a parent might be more reactive instead of proactive in their approach to parenting?

 

Three reasons for being prone to reactive parenting: 

 

  1. Feeling overwhelmed

One of the most frequent things you hear from new parents is that there is a severe lack of sleep. Now that the kids are a little more grown up it doesn’t mean that things like work, relationships, money, or other sources of stress won’t interrupt your sleep cycle. Lack of sleep is a huge contributor to stress and anxiety.

Just think of visiting a friend who just got a puppy. It small, fuzzy, cuddly, cute and screams, “take me home” with their eyes. Suddenly, it pees on the ground. Do you, A) Point your finger at it and yell “bad dog” and stick their nose in it, B) Hit and yell at the puppy, C) Not get angry, because after all it’s not your house, not your puppy, and not your problem. So you just let the owner know what happened (please choose “C”). You are able to do this because you are able to separate yourself from the emotions around the puppy having an accident. You create space for objectivity. Also, keep in mind that the catalyst for being stressed/overwhelmed could be something unrelated to your kid (but your kid won’t know this).

 

2. H.A.L.T.: Feeling Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and/or Tiredness  

 The H.A.L.T. strategy can help identify times where you need to take a step back, create some space, satisfy an underlying need, and re-approach more strategically. When you first wake up, come home from work, had a late night, had an argument (you get it), simply ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. If so, find a way to meet that need before moving forward with any other major decisions, conversations, or interactions. 

 

 3. Negatively reinforced learned behavior from other parental figures

This is just one of the reasons why reactive parenting is so detrimental to child behavior. The parent-child relationship is the first major relationship to develop in a child’s life and shapes the child’s perspective of what healthy relationships should look like. You are a parent, but at one point was a child with parents that had particular parenting styles. Sometimes particular behaviors are replicated when that was what you were raised like, while others are sometimes overcompensated to “prevent” feelings that you had growing up. These forces that impact our behaviors or sometimes invisible to us, so take a second to think about how your biography is shaping your child’s prologue. 

Reactive parenting could lead children into thinking that negative and even abusive relationships are normal when they really are not. Children learn a substantial amount of how the world works and how they should behave in the world from their parents. Therefore, parents who use reactive parenting are teaching their children that reacting with anger and frustration towards their children is the correct way to parent. 

Curious about your parenting style? Try Psych Central’s Parenting Style Quiz HERE.

 

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